When you’re going through a breakup that you aren’t sure is right (or even if you ARE sure it’s right), you’ll probably have some feelings of confusion.Crying over the loss when you feel lonely, even if you KNOW he’s not the right one for you, is appropriate even if it was a good decision.When you invest in a relationship with someone, regardless of the outcome they were an important part of your life.
However, if you believe that the breakup was a mistake (whether his or yours), should you try to get him back? If your ex has been contacting you and wants to discuss the option of getting back together, let him show you he’s serious.
Marni and Dating with Dignity are here to help you determine if you should try to get him back. Whether your choice to reconcile is a reaction to feeling lonely, or you’re afraid you’ll never find anyone else, or some other sort of desperate “victim” thinking, it’s most likely time to let your relationship go. Maybe your partner had just gotten a big promotion and you broke up because he was working 15-hour days and you two spent no time together. If his words and actions match, he calls when he says he will and he’s in the action of making changes. If you feel confident that the second go-around could be better than the first, give it a go. You’ve deeply thought about your decision (alone or with a professional) and feel it’s a healthy and safe choice for you to give it another shot. Sometimes they’re small (He forgot your anniversary.), and sometimes they’re big (She cheated.).
So when is it worth it, and when is it time to just let it go? Being motivated to reconcile based on the fear of a consequence (e.g., “If I don’t get back with him, something worse will happen”) is an indication that you’re not choosing from a place of self-love and confidence. Or maybe you’re in school and found that you just weren’t focusing on your relationship and thus broke up…but you both feel you have time to focus on each other now AND you’re both afraid to lose the other person. But whatever the case, if you find yourself thinking your ex is a healthy and smart choice as a partner to lead you to a fulfilling relationship, then getting back together might be the best thing for you to do.
If you simply miss the feeling of sleeping next to someone or hate that you don’t have a date to an upcoming wedding (and of course you seem to see couples EVERYWHERE), this is NOT the time to reconnect with your ex. Perhaps the two of you broke up because you wanted children and he didn’t. Consider talking to a professional such as a therapist or dating coach to decide if it’s right.
The fear of being alone forever can certainly motivate people to settle for someone who isn’t a good match, so don’t be one of those women. Or maybe he wanted to get married while you preferred to commit to each other in an alternative way. If your ex continually did something such as disrespect your opinions, cheat, or engage in physical or verbal abuse, getting back together should not be an option. At Dating with Dignity we find that sometimes people break up for the right reason and sometimes they break up for the wrong reason.
Make sure you love and respect yourself first, be comfortable being alone, and then you can re-evaluate your long-term relationship goals. Whatever the reason, if your values, relationship goals, or ideas about your future differ, it’s most likely not an ideal match. They say the most tumultuous relationships are the most addictive, so don’t fall off the wagon. And if your partner engaged in behavior that didn’t reflect your values of a good relationship is? If you check in with yourself and the above checklist, we think you’ll be on your way to making the right decision.
Things such as having kids, what religion to raise them in, and commitment levels are all aspects of a relationship on which both partners need to agree.
If you’re a woman who has tried to get your ex back, you’ve most likely taken the “desperate times call for desperate measures” approach, causing you to do all kinds of unfortunate things, including the walk of shame and the drunk dial.
These unflattering behaviors render you his doormat, and ultimately push him away.